How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
