I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
