when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
