well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
