Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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