The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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