I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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