I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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