this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
