that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
