My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
