My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
