Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
