I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
