ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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