every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
