does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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