I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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