Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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