It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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