Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
