No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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