You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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