Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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