Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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