I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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