Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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