I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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