i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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