I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
