you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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