Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
