totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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