Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
