Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize