While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
