Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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