Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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