I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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