We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We had sex on a dog bed..
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
