He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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