Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
