I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she looked like the before picture.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
