Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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