Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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