$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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