I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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