I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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