i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
