They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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