Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
