You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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