my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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