Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
