You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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