I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
