i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
