i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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