I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
ok first of all what the fuck
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
