i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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