this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
