8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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